Still Here, Still Processing

Tim and I had a talk this weekend. A good talk, not a dreaded one. It was com-fortable, and not emotional. He pointed out the obvious. He's much more okay without having kids than I am. Not that he didn't want a father, but he has other things he can do that fulfil him.

Whereas I'm taking it harder. I always envisioned having a family that included kids. Not just cats. (Not that I don't love my cats.)

I have been looking at adoption, even though I know that Tim is not up for it, I just want to see what it would entail. I never thought I'd go through IVF, and never thought I'd consider adoption. But, I also NEVER thought I wouldn't have kids.

As it is, is it even fair for a kid to be stuck with older parents? I don't feel 40, and I still get carded, so must not look THAT OLD! (thanks extra IVF pounds) Tim definitely doesn't look old and runs circles around most men 1/2 his age, would it be that bad for a child to have stable older parents vs younger ones?

I ran across a site that had write-ups from prospective parents. There were almost 100 couples wanting to adopt in my "area" alone. They all had written stories to the "birth mother" telling all about themselves, their extended families, and why they would be a good "choice" for a child.

Their lives looked so "glamorous", and yet seemed sad. Many traveled, owned vacation homes, and had great paying jobs. Some had kids and wanted to adopt to expand their family, some were same sex couples who were looking for a child, while others were told in some way or another they could not have children.

I started thinking about what I would write, and realized that most of the past few years has been focusing on trying to have a baby. No travel, no vacation home, no great paying job... I really need to make some major changes! I kept thinking that once we had a baby, we would be able to explore... Disney, parks, museums, movies, camping, swimming, gardening, tea parties, etc.

So what do I do when I don't have kids? Everywhere I go I see babies, cute toddlers, young children, playing, shopping, biking, running... It's hard not to wonder why the stork seems to have forgotten me!

Sorting things out

When the movie UP came to this part, I cried. I think a lot of infertile women did. Ellie and Carl start seeing babies in the cloud formations, they get a nursery ready for their family, and then are given the news from the Dr. that they won't be having children of their own.

They moved on, and Carl ends up "taking in" a child that the biological father doesn't have time for. Ironic, and often true, your favorite family might not be the one your born into.

The thing is, they moved on. Their dreams changed, but they still enjoyed their life without children. I hope as time passes I too can move on as needed.

Yesterday, I ran across an article about Mother's Day for Non-Mothers, and felt it pretty much summed up how I felt the past few weeks. Those dealing with infertility need to become thick skinned to survive. Hopefully I'll learn to be as happy as Ellie was.

The article can be found here: A Non-Mother's Day Article

Baby Lust

I seriously relate to this on some level.

Ugly Americans	Weds 10:30pm / 9:30c
Demon Baby
http://www.comedycentral.com/
Futurama New Episodes Funny Demon Zombie TV Show Funny TV Comedy Blog

Thank goodness I don't lactate fire every time I see a cute baby.













But isn't it adorable?

Adoption Option

When I say we can't have kids, adoption is often the first thing people bring up. To them it's the logical solution, and they often seem surprised that people would even consider not adopting if you can't have your own child. It's not always that easy, or "logical" to adopt.

Here's some info that many people don't realize... (Some of this is very important if you find out you can't have a biological child, and decide you want to adopt a newborn as time isn't always on your side...)

1. Age Requirements & Travel ~ Most International adoptions require the adoptive parent to be between 25 and 45 years of age. (with older parents only being able to adopt older children.) They often also require you to stay in the country prior to adopting. Here are just a few highlights:
   -- Korea ~ Both parents must be 25 to 44 years old at placement. (Children can be escorted to the US, or the parent can travel to pick them up.)
   -- China ~ Married couples must be at least 30 years of age. Prospective adopters must be open to a toddler if over 45. (You must travel to the country to adopt, and the average stay is 10-14 days.)
   -- Russia ~ Has no requirements for age or length of marriage to adopt, however most children are over a year old at the time of the adoption. (Many families are now making three trips prior to the adoption. Most regions require both parents to see the child before the referral is accepted, and to appear in court during the second trip. One parent can make the third trip.)
   -- Ukraine ~ Parents must be at least 21 years old and the maximum age difference between the adopting parents and the prospective adopted child is 45. No children under 1 are available. (Usually two trips are required ~3-4 weeks total. Only one parent required for second trip.)
   -- Kazakhstan ~ Has no age requirements however a 30 to 45 day stay in country is required.
   -- Ethiopia ~ Currently limits the age of the parent to no more than 40 years greater than that of the adopted child. (One or both adopting parents may choose to travel or they may have their child escorted.)
   -- Taiwan ~ Prospective adoptive parents must be at least 20 years older than the child, and not older than 55. Following the adoption, parents are required to complete post-adoption reports for five years. (Both parents must travel, and the length of stay is approximately 1 week.)
   -- Hong Kong ~ Parents must be between the ages of 25 and 45, and prefers that the prospective parents are ethnic Chinese. (One parent must travel to Hong Kong ~approx 1 week.)
   -- Bulgaria ~ Prospective adoptive parents must be ages 30 to 55, however children younger than 2 are not usually available. (Two trips are required: the first is up to 7 days, the second trip, which occurs 3 to 4 months later, is up to 10 days.)
   -- Poland ~ Parents up to 40 years older than the child may adopt, the average child's age is 22 months to 8 years. (If married, both parents must make two trips to the country. The first trip is approximately one week, and the second trip is approximately three-weeks.)
   -- United States ~ The US currently had "no age" requirements for the adoptive parents, however the agency and/or birth parent may favor others if you appear too old or too young. (Foster Care has no age requirements.)
2. Cost ~ The cost of an international adoption runs between $25 to $45 thousand dollars. (The average cost for a US adoption is around $25 thousand.)
3. Evaluation ~ Adoptive parents are evaluated and placement often depends on if they are married (and how long), if there was a divorce (and how many), if their BMI is not over the limit, if there are other children living in the adoptive household, etc.
4. Not a Newborn ~ Currently 48% of international adoptions are of children from 1 - 4 years of age.
5. Second Thoughts ~ Almost all US (domestic) adoptions are newborns, however as many as 50% of birth parents who initially consider adoption decide not to place the baby after giving birth.
6. Waiting List ~ It takes an average of two years to adopt a child (either internationally or from within the US)
7. Keep in Touch ~ In a domestic (US) adoption, adoptive parents are often selected by the birth parents of the child. In at least half of the cases, the birth parents and adoptive parents have met. Ongoing contact with the birth mother and the adoptive parents (in some form) is becoming more and more common.

There are always exceptions to the rules, older children, and those with special needs can often be adopted by older parents. Each country has their own requirements and rules in order to help make the process go as smoothly as possible.

I think it would be great to travel to the country you are adopting from and see the areas where the children were from. But I couldn't spend a month over there, or do multiple trips! Because we are 40 and 45, if we were to adopt a newborn, our only options would be domestic adoption, foster care, or Thailand. (At which time we'd likely be 42 and 47!) If we were to adopt an older child, or one with special needs, (or could make multiple trips, and extended stays) our options would increase slightly.

If you're interested in learning more about the process from someone who's experienced it, I highly recommend the following books:

• Infertility leading to Adoption: An Empty Lap: One Couple's Journey to Parenthood ~ by Jill Smolowe (I LOVED THIS BOOK!)
• Infertility leading to a Baby: Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night, and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother ~ by Peggy Orenstein.
• A wonderful Children's Book: Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born ~ by Jamie Lee Curtis

The adoption information provided above was obtained from The Adoption Guide .

Not the Mama...

It's becoming clear I will likely never be a mother. My children lived for a few days in a petri dish. That is about as close to motherhood as I'll ever get. I still hope for a miracle every month, and likely will until I experience "the change". So far it hasn't gotten any easier.

When I was a nanny, my friends and I were often mistaken as the child's mother. So we often joked about being "Not the Mama" and even thought about making shirts saying something along those lines just so people would stop making the wrong assumption. Little did I know I should have made a shirt saying "Never the Mama".

As Mother's Day becomes more commercialized, and social networking more prevalent. It's hard to surf (or even go out) around Mother's Day. Everyone posts comments for "all the mothers", the stores are filled with flowers, cards, and everywhere I look I see happy Moms anticipating their special day of breakfast in bed, colored pictures, and tons of hugs.

I am the only one in my family without kids. In fact, my Mom and Dad have been taking care of my sister's three kids for the past few months! I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve being denied children of my own. I mean really? WTF?!? It's hard not to be bitter or angry.

But believe it or not, whining aside, I am really trying to be happy about the childless life I've been given. I'm sure I'll be much better after tomorrow passes.

===Update===
I woke up on Sunday to breakfast in Bed. Tim made me a wonderful breakfast in honor of "trying" to be a Mom. We then did our best to avoid Mom situations and worked in the yard, finishing the day with a grilled steak dinner. Thanks to Tim, the day ended up turning out ok.

Equine Therapy

I fell in love with this face 26 years ago. She was a day old, and much lighter. (Palomino's are often born quite light and darken into their golden color.) When she has a bath, her mane is bright snow white.

She's been with me through thick and thin, and I miss having her in my back yard. She has the most delightful neigh when she sees me, and loves to give me kisses. She's my first baby, and I adore her.

My white Arab is also a doll. I've had her for over 10 years and although I bought her so I could go riding with friends (and not ride double). She has become my horse's horse. They are the same age, they are BFFs (best friend's forever).

I had hoped my children would be able to enjoy them as well, but after over 10 years of trying (with the help of some major medical intervention), it's time to accept reality, my horses will not meet my children. (Nor will I.)

Unfortunately, the place they are at keeps reducing their pen size (without telling me), and it looks like I'm going to have to find another place to board them. (Both of my mares are now getting stiff, and walking helps keep their joints lubricated.) Hopefully I can find one that has some flat trails and pastures so we can continue to go riding.

Grooming them is so therapeutic. It's like a drug, (Plus their flower shed brush is so cute!)
I love the smell of the hay and even the dusty hair! When I'm going through IVF cycles I can't ride horses due to the "strenuous/dangerous" component. But now that I'm no longer going through IVF I can ride again! :-) It's the one upside of no more treatments, and I hope to take full advantage of my new found freedom.

If only I could keep them in my back yard, I would be out riding them right now. :-)