Not the Mama

If we had adopted, I wanted to adopt from another country and had leaned towards Asia.  Come to find out, Tim would have wanted to adopt a child that looked like us.  This way it's less of a reminder that the child isn't ours. The first thing people asked wouldn't be about adoption, but instead might be focused on the fact we were a family. 

I never thought about it that way.  I didn't want a child that looked like me.  In part because I was ALWAYS mistaken for the children's parents when I was a nanny.  I always had to say I was "not the mama".  Sometimes it caused friction between my employer (the real mama) even though it was ignorance on the stranger's part; I know it bothered them, especially if they were thought of as the grandmother.  I had the feeling I would still feel the same way if I adopted a child that looks like me, I'd still be just their caretaker.  "The mama" could always come back, or the parents would insist on an open adoption and I would have to give them updates on how their child was doing (just like I did when I was a nanny), or the child would have a deep yearning go search for "their mama" later.  I was afraid I be "the nanny" again.  Yes I would be raising a child of my own and I would love them dearly, but I felt it wouldn't be fair to them to pretend to be their biological mom.  I mean really, where do you draw the line?  Do you pretend you are, and then deal with the questions later when they realize they aren't?  Would I always have the urge to answer "Yes, she does have her mother's eyes" when comments were made, versus just saying "Thank you". Would the child appreciate my honesty, or would they be hurt by it?

With an Asian baby they would never assume that I was the biological mom.  I wouldn't feel like I'm pretending to be something I'm not.  I could teach them my culture and traditions as well as explore their heritage.  I wouldn't have to worry about looking at a mother in a park and wondering if that was their mom, or having them grow up to unknowingly date their cousin, brother, or sister.   For whatever reason I thought I would feel more like a family if we looked different.  A family by choice not by chance.  If we looked the same people might not recognize the struggle it took for us to get where we were.  For I am sure it was a struggle for the birth mother to decide to give her precious baby up for adoption, as much as it was a struggle for me to stop abusing my body with fertility drugs in the hopes of having a biological child.  I'm not sure why that matters to me, only that at the time it feels important.  

As it was, I knew deep in my heart if I tried hard enough I would get pregnant on my own and I wouldn't have to worry about adoption.  Since that didn't work, Tim thinks my wanting to adopt from another country is just my way of setting unrealistic (and expensive) expectations because deep down I truly don't want to adopt a baby.  I think it's just another "cards I've been dealt" issue as many of the places I started researching closed their adoptions right around the time I started looking.  I have just heard too many domestic adoption horror stories to open my heart only to have it broken. I would consider it if a friend knew of someone in need, but otherwise, I am just not able to go through the "Dear Expecting Mom" letter and open myself up for rejection and pain.  Perhaps instead, this is just another stage of grieving I must work through before I can close the door on my dream of a child once and for all.