Absolved of the Responsibility

I ran across an article that lead me to the following quote, and I just had to share it, as I couldn't agree more:

Sometimes when they hear of a couple’s IVF attempts, people with children knee-jerkily suggest adoption.  They mean well: Here’s a home wanting a child, and here are children wanting a home—neat trade. 

But perhaps these parents are forgetting the deep biological desire that they themselves felt.  Certainly they’re giving advice they’re unlikely to take. “Fertile couples are hardly ever asked to (and hardly ever) forgo biological reproduction in favor of adopting a child and therefore remain absolved of the responsibility of such children,” write Sandelowski and de Lacey. 

 Getting all childless people to adopt unwanted babies won’t solve society’s problem or, necessarily, their own.  Suggesting they should is a rusty old saw.

Excerpted from:"The Baby Chase: An Adventure in Infertility"

(I read the entire "mini-book" and felt it did a nice job of summing up the feelings of someone who's dealing with infertility including the societal pressures as well.)

I admire people who adopt, and think it's great that there are wonderful matches of adoptive parents and children. In fact, I would have considered adopting at one point in my life, if only we had looked into it earlier so that we would have been eligible for a baby. 

Unfortunately, when I was "younger" (in my 30's) I knew in my heart my IVF treatments would work, and didn't even seriously start the process of researching adoption until we were in our 40's.  Adoption requirements are so dynamic that even if we did research it when we were younger, the end result would have likely been the same.  China closed to new applicants, requirements of adoptive parents are increased, etc.

The assumption that if IVF doesn't work you can just go out and "adopt a baby' is far from reality.  Yes, we could still adopt an older child or one with special needs, but in reality it's not the same as a baby of your own, and the fees, paperwork, home studies, and expenses are still the same, or in some cases (as for caring for a child with special needs) more. Adoption of any child should never be treated lightly, or thought of as a simple fix.