Still Here, Still Processing

Tim and I had a talk this weekend. A good talk, not a dreaded one. It was com-fortable, and not emotional. He pointed out the obvious. He's much more okay without having kids than I am. Not that he didn't want a father, but he has other things he can do that fulfil him.

Whereas I'm taking it harder. I always envisioned having a family that included kids. Not just cats. (Not that I don't love my cats.)

I have been looking at adoption, even though I know that Tim is not up for it, I just want to see what it would entail. I never thought I'd go through IVF, and never thought I'd consider adoption. But, I also NEVER thought I wouldn't have kids.

As it is, is it even fair for a kid to be stuck with older parents? I don't feel 40, and I still get carded, so must not look THAT OLD! (thanks extra IVF pounds) Tim definitely doesn't look old and runs circles around most men 1/2 his age, would it be that bad for a child to have stable older parents vs younger ones?

I ran across a site that had write-ups from prospective parents. There were almost 100 couples wanting to adopt in my "area" alone. They all had written stories to the "birth mother" telling all about themselves, their extended families, and why they would be a good "choice" for a child.

Their lives looked so "glamorous", and yet seemed sad. Many traveled, owned vacation homes, and had great paying jobs. Some had kids and wanted to adopt to expand their family, some were same sex couples who were looking for a child, while others were told in some way or another they could not have children.

I started thinking about what I would write, and realized that most of the past few years has been focusing on trying to have a baby. No travel, no vacation home, no great paying job... I really need to make some major changes! I kept thinking that once we had a baby, we would be able to explore... Disney, parks, museums, movies, camping, swimming, gardening, tea parties, etc.

So what do I do when I don't have kids? Everywhere I go I see babies, cute toddlers, young children, playing, shopping, biking, running... It's hard not to wonder why the stork seems to have forgotten me!