Fairy Tales and Dreams

Tim was out of town this week, and so I spent last night watching movies I knew he'd have no interest in. Such as "National Geographic: China's Lost Girls" on adoption in China, "And Then there was One" about a couple who was able to conceive a child through IVF treatments only to discover they all had AIDS. (Heartbreaking!) I threw in some lighter movies to break these up, but both of these made me start thinking.

The Lost Girls special was so sad, the little girls were adorable, but how they CRIED when they were given to their adoptive parents. They looked nothing like any of the parents! I almost wondered if they had ever seen a Caucasian person before the adoption. How scary would that be for a baby, not only are you suddenly thrust into a new family, but for many of the children, you are going a section of another country where you will grow up amongst people who look nothing like you, the food is different, the language is different, the hair is different. Is it fair? I don't know. The children are going to homes where they will be loved, and cared for, and become part of a family, instead of left in an orphanage of their peers.

The parents that adopt have gone through so much to get to this point, they deserve a metal.  Home studies, visas, paperwork, background checks, fingerprinting, financial checks... not to mention the likely reason they are adopting.  They can't have a baby on their own. (Granted some are lucky and were able to, and are adopting because they want to help a child... but I have the feeling most are there because Plan /Dream #1 didn't work out.)

I follow blogs where parents have adopted from Taiwan, and I’m in awe of how beautiful the children are, and how happy they look. The joy is evident, and you can tell they are well loved and cherished.  (And with 5 plus years of follow up reports, they had better be!)

Lost Girls was a light piece, it didn't cover all of the time, and paperwork, and money, and emotions it took the parents to adopt the children, it only covered the days surrounding "Gotcha day" the day when they finally met/ received their child.

It did cover a day when one mother took here adopted daughter back to the orphanage she came from years later. The "foster mom" who cared for her was there, and cried when the little girl she cared for couldn't speak Chinese, and no longer understood her. (I thought it would have been nice for the Mom to at least teach her daughter a few words, but then again, would it have done any good?)

It briefly touched on the subject of what happens when all of the boys grow up? Will they have to come to America in search of a bride? Would a child raised in the U.S. even want to go back to China to live?  Where will they find mates?  Will females suddenly be in demand?


The DNA trail stops here.

 I have mixed feelings on adoption. I wouldn't want to adopt a child that looks like me; I would feel like I was trying to hide the fact that I was unable to have children, and that having strangers say “she has your eyes” would be unfair to both of us. I would like them to know where they came from, and understand their culture. Having an Asian child where I live wouldn't be a huge deal, as there is a diverse mix of cultures. That said, I would like to learn their language, so I could comfort him or her.

I always envisioned my life with a baby that shared my DNA, someone I could pass along our family heritage, someone who might look like one of our ancestors, or share our traits and tastes. That said, I never envisioned my life without a child. I think that’s why it’s still hard for me to move on.

As I watched the movie last night, I tried to envision having children in my home, and for the first time, I couldn’t do it.  I couldn't imagine any baby showers, I couldn't imagine tea parties, hanging stockings for Santa, baking cookies, getting ready for school... It was like the hope had left me, and was replaced by a deep sense of emptiness. I’ll be 41 in a few weeks, Tim doesn’t want to adopt, and I don’t have the energy to fight the battle while processing the paperwork needed to start the adoption process. (We're too old to adopt a younger child for many of the countries now anyway.) Tim would be a wonderful parent, children love him, and he loves to play and create. But I fear that the strain of adopting would be the end of our marriage.  Can I  move on?  Is this the first step?  or will I fall deeper into a sadness that threatens to consume me.  Only time will tell, hopefully I'll be okay with the outcome.