Are you OK with that?

My "boss" told someone at work Tim and I have been trying to have children a few months ago. He said not to tell anyone as it was a private matter. I guess the statue of limitations is up, or someone in the core group told someone else, who knows, as it's a small office, and word tends to spread. Either way, people are suddenly approaching me about "my condition".

My first clue was when earlier this week another co-worker said "I hear you're having problems having kids, are you OK with that?" I immediately got defensive and said "No, I'm not OK with it!" and he said something along the lines of.. "I suppose you've tried everything". Of course I said yes, and mentioned just a few months ago I was doing seven shots a day (and not of tequila), suppressing my immunity, and going through intralipid infusions in the hopes of a bundle of joy. The poor guy quickly wrapped up that conversation and exited the building. He's a great guy, and I know his intentions were good, but the opening line was a doozy.

Then yesterday, another person said something along the lines of "I hear you're trying for a baby..." and then of course the "Have you thought about adoption?" Followed up with "It usually happens when you stop trying." and ending with "At least you can have fun practicing."

What can you do? Nothing but make small talk. “Nope, can't have kids, no we don't want to adopt, and yeah, I’m sure you're right, I hear of a lot of 40 year olds that get pregnant naturally after they stop trying. I probably just wasted a bunch of money, and put my body through hell for nothing.” (Ok, I guess I can't say that last bit and consider it small talk. But it does cross my mind on occasion.) I know everyone is well intentioned, and "my condition" makes me more human, but it doesn't make it any easier. I wonder when I will be "Ok with it".

I have the feeling I will never be completely OK again, but know that at some point soon I will need to move on.