Why why why...

It's funny how I used to think I had plenty of time to have a career/job and could wait to have kids when I was older. Then when I started actually trying, and learned it might not be as easy as I once thought, my stress level went up about 20 notches.

Unfortunately, once you start thinking about not having something, it makes you want it all the more. Especially when it's a baby--your genetic imprint on the world. I actually had a dream the other night that Tim came home (to a gorgeous country Victorian we lived in) walking down the cobblestone, flower lined lane with a baby and a petite young woman trailing behind him. Saying something to the effect of "I decided to have a baby, and found someone who could. Isn't our daughter beautiful? I had her for you!" Talk about a messed up dream!

Having a baby has become the focus of our life. Every morning I wake up and take my temperature with my digital basal thermometer that beeps the announcement that I am desperately trying to figure out why I'm not pregnant. Every day I enter my temperature on the chart and try to see if the chart is normal. Every evening for the past 6 cycles I've prepared my "Ancient Chinese Medicine" to drink it down before I fall asleep. Twice a week I see my acupuncturist to get my anti-stress/pro-baby needle treatment and yet my Chi is still weak.

The sad part is I am just starting to get back to "normal" after all of the fertility meds and emotions that I went through during my IUI attempts. I'm scared of going through IVF since I have to go under for them to retrieve the eggs. IUI was such a roller coaster, I can't imagine what IVF would be like! I would be devastated if it didn't work or if we had complications or the baby isn't healthy.

One of my friends (who is a new mother) told me that I am handle infertility well, and don't seem to mind the fact that I can't get pregnant. I guess I fool people pretty well. I even handled my Mom sending me a picture of my cousin and his young wife's baby with the comment "I'll always love you even if you don't have a child." (My cousin is 4 months older than me, so maybe that's why she felt the need to let me know how much she loved me!) Ouch.

After that I came up with my Top 10 things NOT to say to people who are struggling to have a baby:

1. "Do you have any children?" "No, why not?"
2. "You're still young you have plenty of time..." and then upon hearing you're 36 saying "OMG, you need to hurry."
3. "Have you seen a doctor? Do you know what's wrong? Did your husband go too?"
4. "Consider yourself lucky, I would love to get rid of one of my kids." AKA "You can have one of my kids."
5. "You just need to go on a vacation."
6. "Why don't you adopt? That's a sure way to get pregnant."
7. "Why don't you come to Jane's baby shower, there will be a lot of pregnant women and kids there, maybe it will rub off."
8. "Have you tried..." followed by a long story about things you can try. (Especially embarrassing when it's a stranger at a dinner party.)
9. "Meet June, she's infertile too, I thought you might enjoy talking to each other since neither of you have children."
10. "Well, if the lord wants it to happen, it will."

Most of the time I can handle these comments, but not always. The best bet is if you know someone who might be going through infertility problems, just offer to listen. But be prepared if they actually decide to take you up on the offer!